At the same time, I would talk with Kathy every time I saw her, and even started visiting her in the lounge when I knew she was there studying.♦◊♦At some point, Christine screwed up. Sometimes I felt guilt for even continuing the relationship. You should let me take you out on a date.”Sure enough, she agreed.♦◊♦I began holding her hand when we were alone, getting her used to touching me. I ran into her multiple times after the breakup while I was courting and later dating Kathy.
After the winter break, while Christine and I were in the middle of making out and reuniting, she began to cry. There’s no such thing as innocence in those situations. Only now do I realize that this incident may have been her way of testing how I felt about her. I actually told her that I was dating Kathy, but she already knew—Kathy had told her much earlier on. Christine gave us her blessing, and started dating other men as well. Maybe her guilt over cheating on me mollified any anger she might have (quite reasonably) felt toward us.
The relationship was doomed to fail.♦◊♦Christine had three very good friends in Broadview.
This made her insecure; she feared being stupid to the point of terror.
She didn’t have Christine’s sex appeal,butshe was undeniably cute—and she had one huge draw that I found myself not only admiring, but lusting after: Kathy was majoring in physics and math. It has an inherent beauty in its absolutism; it shirks sentimentality and pretension; it embraces the universe beyond the insignificant dramas of everyday life; it explains reality and existence more than religion or philosophy ever has.
It should be no surprise, then, that I majored in mathematics myself. Then we would both die and be buried next to each other.
When we did kiss, it was like I was introducing her to the concept of what kissing was. I second-guessed myself—and instead of vowing to trust my instincts in the future, I kept on doubting.
I doubted my way through relationship after failed relationship.